I am feeling blah. Bored. Lonely. Overtired. Sad.
I totally love my baby...but she is hard. She is pretty fussy and high needs. Which means that I am holding her and rocking her and basically spend my days trying to get her to sleep. She will never just "go to sleep" when she is tired. It always requires much effort from me. She screams in the car so going places has become quite a headache (literally!) She is still waking up twice at night to eat which I don't know is normal or not given that she's 4.5 months old.
It doesn't help that I get zero help from anyone. My family is far away and my husband doesn't help. Granted he works a lot, but he is also pretty selfish and doesn't stay do much when he is home. I am also a bit of a control freak and don't know if I really want him to help since I want things done my way. It's a double edged sword.
I have completely lost myself. I don't go work out because Alexandra is too fussy to go to the daycare at the gym during the day (maybe I should give her some credit and give it a try but if she fusses there like she does at home they will need to hold her the whole time). And in the evening I need to be around for her bed time so the only time I could go to the gym is after around 8pm which is when I am exhausted and not going to go. Especially since I want to be asleep by 10, it doesn't leave me much time and I don't want to get all sweaty and awake right before bed time.
I haven't gone out with girlfriends (not that I have many) since she was born (not counting mom-friends with babies in tow).
I haven't enjoyed any alone time with my husband and I actually resent him a ton half the time so I don't even want to spend time with him alone. Great. Our marriage is sucking.
I am so paranoid about her "sleep schedule " that I don't enjoy family gatherings adn I'm paranoid about our upcoming trip to Florida. I wish I could just "go with the flow" and have some fun. I'm so freakin' uptight its disgusting.
I'm starting to get nervous about baby #2. First I'm nervous that I won't get pregnant..when is is safe to go back to the RE? Do I have to quit breastfeeding first? I'm no spring chicken at 32 so I know my clock is a tickin! But I'm also nervous about being able to handle #2 if he/she comes out as fussy as Alexandra! Two super fussheads under 2 would be quite daunting!
Well...my little princess just opened her eyes smiling at me and suddenly this post seems pathetic. So, I will sign off. Sorry for the rant. Sometimes it's tough being a mom!
LTB
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Wow, this post makes me very sad for you. I am so sorry you are struggling so much. What is up with your husband that he doesn't help you out? I imagine You need some time for yourself for your own sanity. I read your blog, but this is my first comment I think! I hope it gets better for you soon!
ReplyDeleteYou are right - sometimes is IS tough being a mom!! I know exactly what you mean on so many of those points. My baby is 8 months next week and has never once fallen asleep herself, unless it's in the car. Other than that, EVERY SINGLE TIME at home she has to be held and patted to sleep.
ReplyDeleteAnd my husband does try to help a lot, but I too am a control freak and feel like I can do better than he does....which I know logically is not fair at all.
Social time has been nonexistant. My life revolves around baby's schedule and sleeping and I too, make the choice not to leave her.
I will say, if you're feeling overwhelmingly stressed about this one, maybe now is not the time to think about a second one.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time! I thought that the time period between 3-6 months was the hardest.
ReplyDeleteTry making a list for your husband. If he's like mine, he wants to help, but doesn't know how. A checklist on a whiteboard can save a lot of resentment!
It's great that you can express these feelings here, and get such great support (with the exception of the 1st comment-- how is pity and criticism helpful??? Ugh, that person soooo doesn't get it)...
ReplyDeleteI've been basically "one" with my baby since day 1, with a husband who helps some, but is tired after work, so I do the lion's share for sure. It is definitely a weird place to be. I haven't yet felt bored or depressed, but maybe it's because I'm too tired to do much besides stare out the window anyways!! But it sounds like A is super, super fussy-- fussier than P, and P can be quite fussy (lots of rocking and lullabies during the day). So I can imagine how hard it would be!
I think you should consider trying to get someone to come in and babysit for a few hours, a couple of days a week. You don't even have to leave the house at all until you are comfortable with the person. And I know a lot of these professional nannies can work MAGIC with fussy babies.
As for me, when I am really tired and cranky, I am the LEAST effective at soothing P. I get overwhelmed by her cries really easily and lose my ability to stay on top of them. But if you could get some rest during a nanny session, I bet it would make everyone (you and A and maybe even your husband) a lot happier.
Hang in there-- this time is rough, but it won't last forever. And your feelings for your husband will be more positive once it's over! In the meantime, maybe you could talk to him about how he can help...
Good luck!! Keep us posted! (Hugs)
Truitt is so much like her- only he is waking 4-5 times a night. Right now E is in the chair trying to soothe him while he's screaming his head off so I can upload some picutres (and read blogs)
ReplyDeleteI just want to sleep. I was going to post about that today but I just don't feel like it. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. She's almost 7 months old and still gets up 2-3 times in the night and then I have to go to work all day, I am exhausted too.
ReplyDeleteIt's totally worth it but man a little sleep would be nice.
Sorry no advice for you but misery loves company.
I just first want to say how awesome and strong I think you are for even writing about this. I have had all these same feelings at one point or another, but then I think sometimes I'm not "allowed to" or "supposed to" feel like that. Thanks for having more courage than I to write about it.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I am also in the same boat with not having many friends (at least that live around me) and I totally think we'd be friends if we lived close! lol!!! I'm so sorry you're going through the blues right now. Like I said, I've totally been there. Sometimes I just try and remind myself that I probably feel worse because of the lack of sleep. Hopefully on weekends you can get your hubby to take over for a few hours so you can get a nap. (That is if you can give up control for an hour or so...that too is something I totally sruggle with!!)
Hope you start feeling back to yourself soon!
I can tell you, you are not alone in how you're feeling. Being a Mom is tough. Doing on your own is harder. But you are one strong person. Look, you've come this far!
ReplyDeleteMy advice is, sometimes you gotta let stuff slide. I was a complete control freak until I realized the only person I was hurting was myself. So I asked DH to help. Sure he didn't do things how I liked them, but at least they got done. Maybe this approach will help.
And honestly, your DH does need to help you. Even if its watching the little one for an hour while you have some "you" time.
Hang in there. {hugs!}
I could have written this post. I can't count the # of times lately that I've said I feel like I've lost myself but then I feel dumb because I realize my new identity is Mommy but we still need to have our OWN identity as well. I don't take Alex many places. I don't do things I enjoy anymore (i.e. quilt). I have to suffer an attitude from my DH whenever I ask him to watch Alex just so I can take a damn shower! He also doesn't think it's his job to let me sleep in a little bit on the weekends. He thinks I have it easy on my 2 days off from work a week when it's just me and Alex but it's quite the opposite. I can't leave Alex in his care for longer than an hour so going out, even alone (since I too don't really have any girlfriends) is out of the question. It's not fair that we have to feel like we are going this alone and that we shouldn't complain or be upset just because we went through infertility. No matter how badly we wanted to be mommies, it is still VERY HARD! And we need help! It's not fair. I also struggle with the thought of not being able to have bb#2. I miss being pregnant and I love Alex but I don't know if I could go through baby stage again.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel you on this post my friend. And as Tiffany said, I could totally see us being friends in real life :) That's the one problem of having online friends. They almost always live very far away so there's no chance in ever meeting in person :( Bummer!!
((hugs)) Here's to hoping things get easier and that our hubbies step it up a notch.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Sometimes you just need to get it down on "paper" in order to feel better. I hope it helped. This post made me wish all of my blogger friends lived closer so that we could help each other out. Sucks!
ReplyDelete