I am feeling blah. Bored. Lonely. Overtired. Sad.
I totally love my baby...but she is hard. She is pretty fussy and high needs. Which means that I am holding her and rocking her and basically spend my days trying to get her to sleep. She will never just "go to sleep" when she is tired. It always requires much effort from me. She screams in the car so going places has become quite a headache (literally!) She is still waking up twice at night to eat which I don't know is normal or not given that she's 4.5 months old.
It doesn't help that I get zero help from anyone. My family is far away and my husband doesn't help. Granted he works a lot, but he is also pretty selfish and doesn't stay do much when he is home. I am also a bit of a control freak and don't know if I really want him to help since I want things done my way. It's a double edged sword.
I have completely lost myself. I don't go work out because Alexandra is too fussy to go to the daycare at the gym during the day (maybe I should give her some credit and give it a try but if she fusses there like she does at home they will need to hold her the whole time). And in the evening I need to be around for her bed time so the only time I could go to the gym is after around 8pm which is when I am exhausted and not going to go. Especially since I want to be asleep by 10, it doesn't leave me much time and I don't want to get all sweaty and awake right before bed time.
I haven't gone out with girlfriends (not that I have many) since she was born (not counting mom-friends with babies in tow).
I haven't enjoyed any alone time with my husband and I actually resent him a ton half the time so I don't even want to spend time with him alone. Great. Our marriage is sucking.
I am so paranoid about her "sleep schedule " that I don't enjoy family gatherings adn I'm paranoid about our upcoming trip to Florida. I wish I could just "go with the flow" and have some fun. I'm so freakin' uptight its disgusting.
I'm starting to get nervous about baby #2. First I'm nervous that I won't get pregnant..when is is safe to go back to the RE? Do I have to quit breastfeeding first? I'm no spring chicken at 32 so I know my clock is a tickin! But I'm also nervous about being able to handle #2 if he/she comes out as fussy as Alexandra! Two super fussheads under 2 would be quite daunting!
Well...my little princess just opened her eyes smiling at me and suddenly this post seems pathetic. So, I will sign off. Sorry for the rant. Sometimes it's tough being a mom!