Tuesday, May 25, 2010

11 weeks!

How Far Along? 11 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Not yet but this weekend I wandered into the maternity store but then I quickly ran out because I felt like I really didn't belong. I felt like a kid in a porno shop! I felt like the staff were looking at me thinking what is that little girl (I look pretty young and I was dressed in total grubs so I probably looked extra young) doing in here. I didn't feel "worthy" of being in there just yet. I didn't want to get laughed at! But, I did buy a pair of cheap linen capris for work in a size bigger than I usually get. I wasn't going to buy anything for this awkward stage but I am sick of being uncomfortable in my usual clothes. I did hate buying a size bigger, I think I might have more mental struggles with the body image part of pregnancy than I anticipated. I'll deal with it as it comes!

Stretch Marks? No. But my boobs are veinier (not sure if that's a word...more veins...!)

Sleep? Good. I didn't even wake up to pee last night. But at the same time of course that freaks me out too.

Best Moment of the Week? Going to the gym for a light workout and taking a massive bike ride with hubs and Cosmo on the weekend! I felt like my old self again! But of course...some minor freaking out is trying to sneak up on me because of it.

Movement? Nada.

Food Cravings? Fruit: Melon, cherries, mangos, yummy!

Gender? In laws think its a girl. They really don't have a clue.

What I miss? My cute summer outfits that are out of the question now. I guess I'll have to get some cute pregnancy outfits!

What I'm looking forward to? Getting to hear my baby on the doppler soon, first OB appt on Monday, end of first trimester in a week!

Weekly Wisdom: It's better to splurge a little bit and be comfy than torture yourself in too small clothes.

Milestones: No blood/spotting for a full week!

Emotions: Pretty happy. Irritable though. I seem to be picking on hubby a lot lately and I should stop. But he's such an easy target (no excuse I know!) Plus we haven't had sex in 9 weeks so I fell a bit distant from him. I always feel closer to him and we are just "better" all around when we are having regular sex. I'm nervous for my OB appt because he might say "still no sex", and I'm also nervous he might say, "go ahead with sex". I'm nervous to go ahead b/c what if sex makes me bleed again or what if it is all weird b/c now i'm preggo and we haven't done it in forever! I feel like a virgin again! but maybe that's a good thing!

Well, that's all I got.

Oh, and someone asked how much my doppler was...It was $130 including shipping and we got it in one day. But, still no heartbeat heard as of yesterday.

Hope you guys are having a great week. The weather here in Toronto is so glorious I'm just loving it! I really should be living full time in California where they have this weather permanently!


Sunday, May 23, 2010

Doppler....Good or Evil?

So our home doppler arrived on Friday. We got the Hi Be-be doppler and it says it is supposed to pick up a heart beat "as early as 10-12 weeks". We tried it at 10 weeks and 3 days, no heart beat (except mine!). I know that it was mine since it was only between 60 and 70 bpm. But why the heck can I hear my heart beating in my pelvis? I don't know maybe a vein or something? Anyways, now after trying it 3 times (twice at 10 weeks 3 days and once 10 weeks 4 days) I'm not freaking out yet but I'm realizing that maybe this "comfort toy" we got will end up causing more anxiety! I'm already a bit panicky since since my u/s on Tuesday I have started feeling better, my boobs hurt much less, i have way more energy (I even biked to work on Thurs and Friday and Joe and I went to the gym yesterday and tomorrow we are planning a big bike ride!) . I haven't felt this good in 2 months! So, couple that with the lack of heart beat finding and I'm starting to feel "not pregnant". I'm trying to tell myself it is still early to find the heartbeat, and i'm almost through the first trimester so maybe that is why my symptoms are improving. I just hate not knowing what is going on in there and I thought this silly doppler would solve all of my problems! Silly me! I did luckily move up my OB appt to May 31st when I will be 11 weeks and 6 days. I want to go then because I only have progesterone suppositories for up to 12 weeks and I don't know if I can just stop them at 12 weeks or if we have to wean off of them or what. So I need some OB opinions! Also hoping I'll get him to teach me to use my doppler and get an u/s as well. I'm really excited for that appt. Apparently it is going to take up to 2 hours so i had to take a half day off work...I just told my boss it was a follow up appt to my "problem " a couple weeks ago. We have started telling more people the big news! It's actually pretty fun! Joe told one friend, I told one friend and we told our parents and siblings and a couple aunts too. I feel silly telling though because I don't feel that pregnant (aside from the fact that my pants are becoming very uncomfortable!). The worst thing I hate to hear so far: "oh ya, I can kind of tell.." or "ya, its kind of showing in your face!" WTF! How is my face showing? At only almost 11 weeks pregnant the last thing I want to hear is that you can tell I'm preggers. I can't wait for the actual baby belly to bust out! Dying to be pregnant and not just fat! ahhh.....so many wonderful things to look forward to!
Anyhow, I need to get back to marking my 235 IB math exam papers! UGH! Luckily tomorrow is a holiday in Canada so I have an extra play day to make up for all of the marking I did this weekend!

Enjoy Victoria day all of my Canadian buddies! And US buddies...next week is your turn!!!

:) LTB

Thursday, May 20, 2010

10 Weeks

How Far Along? 10 weeks and 2 days

Maternity Clothes? Nope, but i'm just feeling all over "fuller". Clothes in general are rather uncomfortable. And my bras are over flowing. This weekend I will be on a hunt for new bras.

Stretch Marks? Not yet.

Sleep? Decent. I'm tired being back at work so except for the nightly pee break I'm sleeping well.

Best Moment of the Week? Seeing my baby on the ultrasound on Monday! I saw hands and feel and eyes and nose, sooooo relieved that all is well. Also great was getting my first OB appointment! oh...and I guess telling the inlaws we are pregnant was good too.

Movement? Nope. Except for the mega gas movement!

Food Cravings? Frozen yogurt. All yogurt actually!

Gender? I've started calling the baby "he"....maybe I subconsciously know its a boy!

What I miss? Hard core workouts, not wearing pads (have to b/c of the progesterone suppositories!), my non-bloated tummy (I can't wait for the baby bump but right now the bloat is just gross)

What I'm looking forward to? Getting my home doppler on Friday! And my first OB appt on May 31st!

Weekly Wisdom: Brown blood is old blood. Don't freak out.

Milestones: Moving on to the OB!

Emotions: Lots of anxiety because Tuesday night (after my internal ultrasound) I got more friggin' bleeding! It was brown but I still freaked out! They told me everything was ok and the hematoma was gone so why the hecka am I bleeding! Soooooooo annoying! I freaked, cried, called my sis who is a doctor, and eventually relaxed. No more spotting today. But I hate this a lot. I wish I could just have an easy go at this! I am getting my doppler this weekend and I'm hoping we can hear a heart beat. If not I will bring it to my OB and get him to help me. I think being able to hear the heart between appts will help to ease my anxiety!

So that's it, that's all! Back to marking for me! I have 236 huge IB math exams to mark! ugh....the pile is daunting!

Hope you girls are all having a great week!


Wednesday, May 19, 2010


I'm SWAMPED at work so this will be fast:
-u/s was amazing yesterday
-measuring perfect at 10weeks
-heartbeat 165
-hematoma is a goner
-transfered to OB now!
-first OB appt on June 7th (but i'm trying to move it up a week!)

I will post a real post later withmy 10 week update and my ongoing problems/worries!


Monday, May 17, 2010

Back to Work and Nervous

Hello bloggies! So I am back at work. Now, I know I complained a TON on bedrest but I am having a really hard time back at work today. I am so nauseus and sicky feeling! I guess this is morning (ie. all day) sickness? And I guess I didn't totally notice it so bad sitting on my couch for 2 weeks! Ugh. I'm definitely going to have to bring myself a bag of crackers to work tomorrow to get this nausea at bay!

I am also super nervous about my ultrasound tomorrow. I am so scared my baby will have no heart beat or something awful! I keep trying to think positive but it is hard not to be very nervous. My appt is at 9:30 and I will update after that!

This weekend was pretty awesome and I hope I don't end up regretting what happened! On Saturday was my sister's bridal shower and my 2 aunts were there so we told them I was pregnant. They were thrilled! We also told my hubby's family on Sunday. His sister just had a baby so our baby will be born in the same year! So we are very excited that cousins will be so close in age! his parents were super excited. His dad was hugging me like crazy and even cried! So cute!

My dad on the other hand is a nervous wreck. He is very very excited but he is also a nervous-nellie by nature. So he keeps telling me to drive careful, eat well, be careful about EVERYTHING! He is going a bit overboard and making me stressed! I know he means well and just can't wait to be a grandpa! I can deal with it! One other thing that I am already finding from the small amount of people I have told...they all have advice to give. I know I'm a newbie at this pregnancy thing but I really don't need everyone telling me what I should/shouldn't eat, what I should/shouldn't do, when I should sleep, how I should sleep, and so on and so on. Also, I swear my mom has blocked out the first trimester and keeps driving me crazy by telling me how she had no morning sickness, felt amazing her whole pregnancy, only gained 20 pounds and didn't even show until 7 months! Ya ok mom! Hind sight eh!

Ahhhh....enough complaining. I'm PREGNANT! And until I hear otherwise (praying this doesn't happen tomorrow!) I am going to LOVE IT!

Hope you all had a great weekend!


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

9 Weeks and Telling the Family

How Far Along? 9 weeks

Maternity Clothes? Nope, just sweats since I'm locked up in my house on bedrest!

Stretch Marks? No thank goodness.

Sleep? I think I'm getting too much. I'm sleeping like a rock for about 10-11 hours a night since I have no reason to get up. I pee break required each night. Not too bad.

Best Moment of the Week? Telling my family (especially my dad) on the weekend. I have never seen him soooo happy and excited and he hugged me harder than he ever has! He was stunned and could hardly catch his breath due to his excitement. It was pure, spontaneous, utter joy glowing on his face. I love my dad soooooo much and I have always been one to try to please him, it seems like getting pregnant has pleased him more than anything I have ever done! I loved it. But of course now it adds a bit of pressure and worry to hoping I don't lose this baby! I would hate it for myself of course, but letting my dad down would just add salt to the wound. But i'm thinking/feeling positive for now!

Movement? Just gas bubbles!

Food Cravings? Chips, salty food. Most foods just seem unappealing right now.

Gender? No clue. I am hoping for a girl, hubs is hoping for a boy. But of course both of us will be thrilled with whatever "it" is!

What I miss? Leaving the house. Going to work. Walking around. Wiping without fear of seeing blood.

What I'm looking forward to? Work on Monday, telling hubs family on the weekend, next ultrasound in one week.

Weekly Wisdom: I need to increase my calcium intake to protect my bones. I hate all calcium products so i'm on the hunt for something milky and yummy that is not icecream!

Milestones: Telling the family and getting to share what we are going through with them!

Emotions: Bored. Anxiety comes and goes. Joy. And I cried 4 times in my Gossip Girl marathon last night!

We've been taking pics of my belly on weeks 5 and 7 and there was really not much to see and nothing really post worthy. We'll keep doing the pics and hopefully soon we'll actually have something to post! I'm dying to start showing!

Hope you girls are all having a great week so far.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

FML- more blood

tonight I got more bleeding. It wasn't alot and it was mostly brownish spotting when i wiped. It is definitely not dripping or bright red like on Sunday. I was just starting to feel calm and now i'm freaking out again! I know that it is most likely just left over blood from the hematoma or the hematoma bleeding out again but I want another ultrasound! And i don't have one until the 18th! If I get more bleeding before that I am going to call and book another one, i can't take it. Pregnancy for IFers is hell. At least fo rme. I'm filled with fear. I'm afraid of every thing I do. I'm afraid my diet sucks, i'm afraid that i caused the bleeding today by driving to the park and sitting on a bench (and a teeny tiny stroll around the park) to let my dog have some fun since i'm out of commission for our usual marathon walks. Maybe I really do need to be completely bed ridden. Maybe just to ease my mind. Hubs and I were thinking of maybe going out to dinner tomorrow but no chance now. I'm not leaving the house. No chance. And google...I f'n hate it too. Sooo many horror stories always seem to be popping up just in time to make me freak the fuck out! I know Ihave a hematoma...they bleed...but can they hurt my baby? Is that what this bleeding is from? or is something new and terrible ripping my dreams to shreds. If this baby doesn't make it...and trust me I will fight like hell and do what ever it takes (9 months of bed rest....bring it on!!!) to help this baby make it, but if he/she doesn't I dont' think I can try again. I don't think I will ever be strong or patient enough to go again. I will seriously be thinking adoption. I need children but the stress i am going through now...I can hardly keep it together.

I suck.

It takes us IFers sooooo freaking long to get pregnant you think we should get free-passes for an easy pregnancy! but now...of course not.

On a positive note...I watched some gossip girl (season 1, episodes 1 and 2...) and I like. I just stream those on my computer so I don't even have to pay money to rent them. TOmorrow i'm going to start Lost and more gossip girl. Big day tomorrow girls! The couch is calling!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Bored and Barfy

I hate sitting around. I hate being indoors. I hate bedrest. I am not only bored out of my skull...but I have a permanent headache and gross feeling of nausea. I don't feel like i'm actually going to puke but just generally gross and queasy. I'm not sure if this is what morning sickness is or if I am just "sick" from being trapped on my couch. Of course I don't want to sound like a jerk for being in my situation. I mean, I'm pregnant! This has been my goal and my dream for sooooo long but I just feel really gross. So amid my happiness there is grossness. I also feel like a total sloth. I am usually an exercise freak. Not necessarily hard core running or training but I like to walk tons of miles everyday and just generally be really active. I feel like already I'm becoming a soft gummy bear. Big deal right...i'm pregnant so i'm allowed. But it still feels gross. Plus, I still haven't told anyone (except my doctor sister who helped me with my freak out episode on Sunday) so I feel like a big fraud lying to everyone (my family has no clue I'm on bedrest) and people at work have been calling/emailing asking what's up. I have just been avoiding the calls so I don't have to lie! We are planning to tell my family this weekend when my parents get back from Florida and hubs parents next week when we go there for a belated mother's day celebration. I'm not planning on saying anything at work until 3 months...which luckily will be just 2 weeks after I return from my bedrest leave. I also feel really guilty sitting at home doing F-all and still getting paid to do my job. I feel totally capable of working and like this bedrest is just overkill. but of course...I will not risk anything for the safety of my little lima bean!
Hope you are all having a great day. I'm off to go watch more SATC. Its on perma-play on Cosmo-TV all day ! woo hoo!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Bed Rest

We are OK.. PHEW!

After a completely sleepless night ( I was tossing and turning and peeing to check for blood all night long). At 7am Hubs and I arrived at our clinic and got an ultrasound right away. We saw our little lima bean was PERFECT. Perfectly sized at 7weeks 5 days and perfect heartbeat at 154bpm. However, I do have some kind of haematoma. Which is like a blood clot in the uterus. It is most likely not going to cause any serious problems for this pregnancy but of course my IF doc is SUPER cautious and has said I need bed rest for 2 weeeks. No work. No exercise. Boring. I'm not sure what this bed rest is supposed to do but obviously i'm going to do it. As a teacher though it is super hard and a major pain in the ass to get coverage for all of my classes. I went in this morning and talked to our headmaster (she is a mega biatch and stresses me out) she was super nice (always FAKE nice!) and mentioned she thought I had a lot of absences this year (fuck you lady! I have had 4 days off due to OHSS and the days of my IUI). She made it seem like she was just concerned about my absences because she thought something may be wrong...but I know she was just making a dig and being a bitch. She is the one who is the Nazi about how we dress. Hated talking to her. I told her I had a gynecological procedure and am now bleeding and need to be on bedrest. No way was she going to be the first person I told I am pregnant! So everything is sorted out at work and I am home...resting. No more bleeding so far. Thank you for all of your kind comments and prayers..they worked!!!

Have a happy day!!!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Nightmare on Parliament Street

I live on Parliament Street. And right now I feel (wish) I was having a horrible nightmare. After a long walk this afternoon I came home and found I was bleeding. Bright Red fresh blood. It dripped in the toilet. It went away after a few minutes and has not returned, but I'm freaking. I am going to my doctor at 7am and insisting on and ultrasound. I called my sister who is a doctor and she said there was no reason to go to the ER b/c they couldn't do anything anyways at this point. So, now I wait. Again. As always with fucking IF. I can't handle losing this pregnancy but I have a bad feeling that is about to happen. Please pray and cross everything you've got that I have no more bleeding and no cramping (I haven't had any yet).


Pregnant or Boob-job?

I had my first awkward "are you pregnant" moment last night. Hubby and I haven't told anyone I'm pregnant yet, not even the parents. We are telling my family on mother's day and his family the next weekend. I'm a really private person and don't like to be the centre of attention so even though he's dying to tell EVERYONE I am holding off as long as possible. Well, I don't know how much longer it will be actually possible. Last night we were at a dinner party for a cousin of the hubs. His sister was there and she said to me " Are you pregnant.... your boobs are huge!" I brushed it off and said "oh, i guess they just grew. " It was weird. I was a bit paranoid about my gigantic boobs for the rest of the night so I buttoned my sweater right up! I also of course got a bit paranoid that I already look "fat". But I also got a bit smiley thinking, "yeah! I'm actually pregnant!" Now, the boobs. I am really small. Normally like an A-32 bra. I haven't gotten any new bras but I'm definitely sporting big time cleavage and spilling right out of my bras. I wouldn't be surprised if I am honestly a C cup now. It is freakin' ridiculous! My mom and sisters have huge boobs and I have always been the less-endowed sister. Well not anymore! So today, its bra shopping day! woo hoo!
Hope you are all having a great day .