tonight I got more bleeding. It wasn't alot and it was mostly brownish spotting when i wiped. It is definitely not dripping or bright red like on Sunday. I was just starting to feel calm and now i'm freaking out again! I know that it is most likely just left over blood from the hematoma or the hematoma bleeding out again but I want another ultrasound! And i don't have one until the 18th! If I get more bleeding before that I am going to call and book another one, i can't take it. Pregnancy for IFers is hell. At least fo rme. I'm filled with fear. I'm afraid of every thing I do. I'm afraid my diet sucks, i'm afraid that i caused the bleeding today by driving to the park and sitting on a bench (and a teeny tiny stroll around the park) to let my dog have some fun since i'm out of commission for our usual marathon walks. Maybe I really do need to be completely bed ridden. Maybe just to ease my mind. Hubs and I were thinking of maybe going out to dinner tomorrow but no chance now. I'm not leaving the house. No chance. And google...I f'n hate it too. Sooo many horror stories always seem to be popping up just in time to make me freak the fuck out! I know Ihave a hematoma...they bleed...but can they hurt my baby? Is that what this bleeding is from? or is something new and terrible ripping my dreams to shreds. If this baby doesn't make it...and trust me I will fight like hell and do what ever it takes (9 months of bed rest....bring it on!!!) to help this baby make it, but if he/she doesn't I dont' think I can try again. I don't think I will ever be strong or patient enough to go again. I will seriously be thinking adoption. I need children but the stress i am going through now...I can hardly keep it together.
It takes us IFers sooooo freaking long to get pregnant you think we should get free-passes for an easy pregnancy! but now...of course not.
On a positive note...I watched some gossip girl (season 1, episodes 1 and 2...) and I like. I just stream those on my computer so I don't even have to pay money to rent them. TOmorrow i'm going to start Lost and more gossip girl. Big day tomorrow girls! The couch is calling!