Inconclusive

Inconclusive and unexplained. That seems to be the story of this IF journey for me. Seriously I think I would rather have some terrible diagnosis than have another doctor say "we just don't know" with a stupid look on his face. Today I had my HORRIFYING HSG. Just like last time it was agonizing, not sure if i'm just a wimp but it hurt so bad it took my breath away and I had to lay on the table for atleast 10 minutes afterwards sipping water and sweating like I had just run a marathon! I didn't ask the doc all the questions I should have b/c I was feeling so horrible and just wanted to get the heck out of there. But from what I gathered, my endometrium and uterine cavity look fine (except at one point he asked me if I'd ever had an iud put in...not sure what that was about) and my right tube is open. Left tube....inconclusive. WTF! It's either open or not! And the most annoying part is now if I do have one closed tube that just means its extra impossible for me to get preggers and IVF will probably be necessary (which means HUGE bucks out of my pocket), however, in Ontario (where I live) if BOTH tubes are blocked then IVF is COVERED under the provincial health care system and would be FREE! WTF!!!! I know its terrible to say but at this point I just wish both my friggin' tubes were blocked so we could get this show on the road and just do IVF! ugh.
Anyways, that's my huge vent for the day, I'm going to go take a bath with Cosmo (he loves to come right in the bubble baths with me and then I put some towels in the dryer and make them really warm and throw him right in the dryer with them! He looks so cute all curled up in the towels in the dryer!) then i'm off to bed. I missed work today due to the hellish appt I had so I have to get up early to figure out what the heck I'm teaching tomorrow!
LTB

I'm OUT!

This month is now officially a write off. Don't even know why I bothered with talking to my hubby about iui since now I have 5 cysts left over from last cycle! Yes....5!!!! Back to BCP for me.

Sad. Frustrated. Confused...why am I getting cysts!!!??? I'm getting an HSG on Wednesday so atleast i'm accomplishing something this month! I'm super freaked though because last time I tried the HSG it hurt so bad that they couldn't even do it! And, my hubs can't come to my appt on Wednesday. So I will have to go to the appointment by myself...on the subway. They told me they might give me some mild sedation so I can't drive. Super scary. Wish me luck!

Happy Valentine's day everyone! Enjoy the hubs today! We are heading out to a nice Italian restaurant to try to re-live our amazing summer vacation!

:)LTB

The $ talk...

After my negative beta and an IUI being suggested by my doc I was PARANOID to talk to my hubs about it because I KNEW he would freak over the cost. And, as expected, he sort of freaked. He thougth we should just try the injections with timed intercourse again (and again and again) ! Obviously he is not the one getting the injections, getting the huge bloat, feeling exhausted, getting infinite number of vag cam ultrasounds! He started getting all worked up and so far ahead of himself saying that I will not be happy when we do one of these iuis and then i'll want to do iui again and then Ivf and he is never paying 20 grand for ivf blah blah blah! I slowed him down and we talked rationally and the GREAT news is he is on board. and excited. One of our favourite places to go to on vacation to Jamaica. We love the local people! Well, this morning hubs woke up and told me that a "rasta-mon" from Jamaica told him in his dream that we "got to keep dis ting goin'. " This dream convinced my hubs that we are meant to keep trying and do iui. (I am loving those Jamaican rasta guys even more right now!Whatever it takes to get through to him!).
I go for CD3 ultra sound tomorrow (I have to remember not to pee before i go, i always screw it up!) so before I even get ahead of myself in thinking we will do IUI this month, I need to plan for the worst case scenario...residual cyst and sitting out a cycle. Fingers crossed for no cysts!

Now. on a totally separate note...I had a total social jealousy feeling yesterday thhat I haven't had in years! A bunch of bloggers that I always read got to meet IRL and I felt totally left out:(.

So great that they live close to one another! I so wish I could have joined the party! If anyone out there is from Toronto, let me know and lets meet up!
love yas!
LTB

Official Beta= Negative :(

oh well. I wasn't expecting anything else. I talked to the RE and here's my next protocol:
Stop all progesterone suppositories (yeah!!!)
Wait for AF
Ultrasounds on Day 3 and medications (injections of menopur) start
SHG ultrasound on Day 6 with "mild sedation" since it was way too painful for me last time!
Trigger
IUI 2 days in a row

Now i'm just worried about cost.......what do you guys have to pay for IUI? I know my ultrasounds and everything is all covered by our Ontario Health Plan but IUI is an elective process that is not covered and I'm nervous about starting to pay for stuff!

I'm also nervous about my husbands' reaction when I tell him we have to pay for this. He's been all fine with me going to a billion appts and taking a billion drugs and giving me a billion needles but as soon as I bring up money I know he is going to freak (whether he shows me that he's freaking or just freaks on the inside will be interesting to see). He is VERY tight with our money. We have enough money. He just likes to SAVE it and wants to pay off our mortgage in like 3 years! He is going to HATE to pay for something that should happen naturally. I'm scared he might even just say to forget it.

I'll let you know what he says.......

To Test or Not to Test...I tested

I'm 14 days post trigger and I couldn't resist testing. My actual beta is Wednesday morning. Today I got a hideous BFN. All hope is lost...hubby thinks we should still hold on to hope until beta but I think I'm done with hoping. This sucks. I'm trying to stay cheerful, had a great sleep, have a beautiful new kitchen (after many many headaches and stressful moments this weekend). I guess i'll be enjoying a great glass a wine on Vday this weekend. Always look for the postives right?
Positive number 2: I'll get to stop the gross progesterone suppositories. I was tempted to just spot them today but decided to wait it out (i guess there is some secret hope still left in me)!

Moving on....

Surprise!!!

Yippee! Surprise call from the counter top people! They fixed the counter top and brought it to install today! Luckily I had time to come home and let them in at lunch to do the work! I know they finished the counter and sink and still need to come back to do the back splash. I'm excited/nervous to go home and see how they did! Then we will arrange for them to come back hopefully tomorrow to do the backsplash (they are probably anxious to finish it since we haven't paid yet)! Very relieved to get the counter on and excited to get my kitchen back in order. I have surprisingly not thought about my upcoming beta much at all. I'm not really nervous or excited. I kind of feel resigned to the fact that its going to be negative and thinking more about "next steps" and scheduling an appt with the actual doctor to discuss this. Also thinking about possibly re-trying the agonizing HSG and maybe scheduling the laproscopy my gyne was keen to do in the fall.

I have BIG plans for the weekend....

Supervising the highschool formal! These events are always so awkward! I teach at an all girls school so it is so weird to see them interact (ie. MAKE OUT!) with boys!

Definitely doesn't help me feel any younger.........have I mentioned before....I hate being 30!

(maybe 31 will be better ...only one month to go....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

LTB

Got the Tuesday's

I was happy on Monday but today I have a serious case of the blues. I got the blues on Tues! I came home from work at lunch to let the guy in who is supposed to install our granite counters and he called and said he dropped our counter and it broke. So we have to wait until next Monday. Why does everything involve waiting! Now I have the 2ww and the counter top wait! what sucks the most is that he was going to be here all day tomorrow so i made a special request to my principal to have the day off and they arranged for a suppy teacher and everything and now its pointless. I'm still taking the day off since I had also already scheduled a hair cut and dentist appt and have to get my 7dpo progesterone test. But now i don't know what we are going to do about next MOnday. I might have to call in 'sick'. I totally hate doing this! Not only is it more work for me to prepare for a supply teacher but I feel like a lying cheat since i'm not really sick! Soooooo frustrated. And to make me even more frustrated is the fact that my hyper -paranoid and stress ball hubby is freaking out over the counter. He is a mega pessimist and figures the guy is lying and he is really just stealing our deposit and will never do the job. And its my fault because I got this guy refered to us by a friend.
This is such a boring post.

I am also feeling blogger blah. I have nothing meaningful to add to the blogger community and all the blogs i'm reading seem to be kind of blah and sad or pregnant and happy. Not really sure what I want the blogs to be but both of those extremes are just rubbing me the wrong way.

TTC update: 7dpo progesterone tomorrow, one week done of the 2ww.

ciao., off to do some marking.
LTB